The Magic of Healthy Oils

Hello guys. I just want to thank you for your continuous kindness and support. I know that my blog isn’t a joy to read or anything. I’m really just ranting most of the time.. But the fact that you guys take the time to read and comment means so much.

I’m really trying to work on getting past my anxieties and insecurities. I always tell myself that it’s just not possible. That the only way I’ll feel better is if my outer appearance changes. I’m a perfectionist and this isn’t the face or body I would have chosen for myself, if that makes sense. This isn’t how I want to look. And it’s still hard to get over.. I try to focus on other things – school work, cooking & baking, talking to friends & my sister, and just doing things that I *somewhat* enjoy. But I still feel so down on myself all of the time. It’s very consuming of my time and energy and everything.

Anyway, I wanted to update you guys on the fish oil I started taking about 2 months ago. It has made a big difference in the health of my hair. It’s shinier and softer and easier to manage. So I’m very happy about that. I’m not sure whether I’ll continue taking the pills once they run out or try to incorporate fish into my diet.. I still eat vegan besides the fish oil so it would be a big change.

Another healthy oil that has really helped me is coconut (virgin to be exact). I started putting it on my face and some in my hair after reading that Amanda has gotten positive results from doing so. My skin looks and feels much better. It’s really quite amazing. No other moisturizer that I’ve tried has come close to this. I think that I have chronically dry skin, so finding something that actually absorbs into my skin and repairs it is a miracle. I definitely recommend using a bit on your face and hair. It hasn’t caused breakouts for me either which I was definitely afraid of.

But anyway, definitely consider incorporating fish oil and coconut oil into your everyday routine! These healthy fats have certainly worked wonders for me. Now I just wish that I hadn’t spent so much money on expensive moisturizers and hair care products.

Do you incorporate any healthy oils into your diet or skin and hair care?
I hope you all have a nice weekend!

Just Checking In

Hi guys. I just wanted to check in since I haven’t been posting in quite a while.

Things have been rough to say the least… my classes haven’t been going well this quarter and I had to drop a couple because I kept missing class. I might have to drop my last class as well since my attendance has been so bad. I’m really not happy about it.. I want to be able to go to class SO bad. I enjoy class and I enjoy being around others. But I still can’t get over the anxiety of just being there. Having people look at me. Not being good enough for them (or for myself for that matter). And since I’m a perfectionist, it’s making me even more stressed out to think that these missed classes might result in a bad grade if I don’t withdraw.

I just don’t know when I’ll get over this, if ever. But it’s been ruining my life for so long. I hate myself so much that I don’t want others to see me. That’s just how it is. I feel like plastic surgery would help, but like I’ve said, my parents don’t approve at all. But I can’t really focus on education and my “future” and everything when I feel so terrible about myself.

Luckily, I’ve been doing a bit better eating-wise. But, the weight gain has been making me crazy and more self-conscious and upset about how I look. But I have to remind myself of the positives. Like the increased energy, mental clarity, not feeling like I’m going to drop dead all the time (that’s seriously how I was feeling and it was awful).

I hope you’re all doing okay and enjoying the sun if you have any. It’s 80 degrees here which is sort of ridiculous for where I live. I’m probably an oddity since I don’t like warm weather. But the sun is still nice.

Have a great rest of your weekend everyone! Hopefully I’ll have more to say soon.

Make These Cookies! (:

Hello! I realize I haven’t posted in a while. I started back at school this week and it’s been… tough. I’ve managed to push through but feel exhausted. I guess it’s just going to take a bit to get back into the swing of things after taking a quarter off.

But I think the effort it takes for me to sit through my classes and just walk around the campus takes a lot out of me. I feel horrible that my social anxiety is so bad that I can’t just.. relax. That’s really what I want most. Everyone around me seems to be relaxed. They don’t have their guard up to the extent that I do. Most people don’t seem to care so much about what they’re wearing/how they look. They aren’t so terrified that they can’t speak. It seems like it’s easy for most people to engage with new people and make new friends. I just can’t do that. I know that I isolate myself right of the bat. I purposely sit by myself. But then I feel offended when no one sits next to me in class. I guess that sounds immature.. but that’s the way that I think. I get offended by the littlest things. A look someone gives me or the way someone speaks to me. But no matter what, I just can’t open up. I constantly feel like I’m being watched and judged. It makes school even more stressful. Not only am I forcing myself to get straight A’s, but I’m also stressing about all of these anxieties and of course everything that goes along with my food intake and exercise. I don’t force myself to exercise nearly as much, which definitely helps. And I’m trying to fight the urge to restrict, but it’s an ongoing battle.

I’m not sure if the only real answer is trying a medication again. It might be. I just don’t want to keep going through life like this. Constantly alone, unwanted, unworthy, and missing out on SO many things. But then I think that this is how it’s always going to be, even with medication, because I am ugly and uninteresting and not someone that people want to socialize with anyway. But mostly ugly. I can’t tell you how many things I haven’t done, how many places I haven’t gone, how many things I’ve canceled, because I am not pretty. I’m a perfectionist, and my face and body don’t meet my standards. I want that pretty, perfect face. And it torments me that I can’t have it. This is such a dumb thing to focus on when other people have it SO much worse. I’m not physically disabled or dying or ill. I can live my life like a normal person. But at the same time, I can’t. When I talk to my dad about plastic surgery, he’s concerned that I’ll end up like Michael Jackson. That no matter how many surgeries I get, it will never be enough. Which may be true. But I still think that one surgery will make me feel better than how I do now. Make me more confident.

I’m sorry to constantly sound so down. I know this isn’t something people want to read about. I guess blogging has just become more of an outlet for me, like keeping a journal. Hopefully I’ll find some more positive things to talk about. It would probably do me some good.

Anyway, I made some cookies recently that were DELICIOUS! They’re called Super-Charge Me! Cookies.

I think I’ve mentioned them on my blog in the past, but I have to talk about this recipe again. Every time I make these, and no matter what I add to them, they always taste amazing. This time I added some orange zest, cashews, almonds, dried dates, golden and regular raisins, craisins, and dried blueberries. Oh, and some peanut M&M’s from Easter. They were really great. Since I didn’t have any coconut oil on hand, I used some applesauce and they were still yummy.

I hope you all have a great and relaxing weekend. <3

Smile More… and Eat a Larabar!

Hello again! Unfortunately, I haven’t been having the best past couple of days. I’ve really been struggling. I think the pressure and anxiety I feel about starting classes again next week is really setting in. I just honestly don’t think I can do it. Not only does the perfectionist in me work for the best grades possible, but I also hyper-focus on my clothes, makeup, hair, what I eat, how much I exercise. Just everything. And of course, this makes school even more stressful. I have to be as perfect as possible. I feel so judged by my peers and haven’t reached the point yet where I can just be “me” and not care so much what others think. I finally reached a breaking point a few months ago where the restricting, overexercising, not sleeping enough, all of it, was just too much on top of going to school. I wish I could just be “normal”. Even though I know there’s no such thing. I guess I wish I could just be a bit more relaxed. But that scares me of course. Because everything I do has to be controlled and perfect because I fear failing and being negatively critiqued. It just seems like I can’t win.

This is incredibly accurate.

I don’t enjoy myself. I can’t remember the last time I truly did without worrying about food and my appearance. I think other people pick up on my distress, but more-so than I even thought. A year or so ago when I went snowboarding with my family, I was sitting alone for a few minutes waiting for my dad to come find me so we could go home, and a complete stranger walks by me and says something along the lines of “You should smile more”. I had never seen this guy in my life and I didn’t know if he had been watching me or what. I was embarrassed because there was a group of teenagers nearby who gave me kind of strange looks once they overheard. But I was just shocked more than anything else. Do I really look so miserable that even strangers are picking up on it? I suppose that I do. But I was also struck by the kindness of a complete stranger. That someone would actually care enough to say something.

I wish I could smile more and let go. But I’m always so stuck in my own head that I can’t engage with what’s going on around me. I hope one day that I will be the girl who’s smiling. That no one needs to remind me to smile.

On a completely different note, I really want to try those new ALT Larabars! I’ve always been a huge Larabar fan and the new flavors are so tempting. I really hope my Whole Foods carries them.

Have you tried the new Larabars? What’s been making you smile recently? I think the nice weather around here (in the 60′s which is a big deal!) has helped me perk up a bit. And of course my doggie.

Some Thoughts

This quote is beautiful and I think it encompasses eating disorders pretty well.

I hope you’re all having a nice weekend! I watched “Les Miserables” yesterday. It was very long and not my favorite, but there were definitely some beautiful moments. I really want to read the book now.

Any weekend highlights? Mine’s probably eating a lot of dark chocolate. I’m really starting to fret about going back to school. I don’t feel ready. I don’t feel like I’m in a better place than I was when I decided to take last quarter off. I think I’m actually worse.. I just hope I can pull through somehow because I can’t keep doing what I’m doing forever.

When will it stop?

Hi friends! <3 How has your weekend been so far?

I kind of went on a ramble after feeling pretty upset this morning. I'm sorry to continuously fill my blog with this negativity. But it's nice to get it out, you know?

I don’t know when this will stop, but it’s consuming my life. I haven’t been able to do so many things in my life because of this anxiety. Today I was supposed to go snowboarding. Something I enjoy. Something that I love. But I couldn’t go because all that I could think about was how hideous my face is and “fat” I’ve gotten. It really doesn’t help that I’ve gained weight recently. I’ve been pretty much on a continuous upward curve with my weight. Some dips and weight loss along the way, but steadily climbing. And I don’t feel comfortable or happy or good. It’s funny for me to watch weight loss commercials where people rave about how wonderful their lives are once they’ve lost a lot of weight and are now a size 6 or 4. They aren’t depressed anymore. They have energy. They don’t think about food all of the time anymore. So what’s the matter with me? I’m smaller than them, but I don’t feel good about myself. I feel sluggish and heavy and all I can think about is food. And I eat super healthy compared to the majority of the population. And I exercise probably a lot more than the the majority. So why do I feel so awful? When will all of this stop? I’m convinced now that it simply won’t. That I will continue to hate my face, my body, my weight, everything. That I won’t be able to face people or situations because I’m so uncomfortable. I’m supposed to return to school soon, but I don’t know if I can. I’ve tried to talk my mom into allowing me to see a plastic surgeon. I want to reconstruct my face. But she refuses to pay for any procedures. And without that surgery, I don’t see my life changing. I don’t see myself being able to go about and go to school and other social situations and live my life. Maybe I’m one of the vainest people in the world. I don’t know. I probably sound like it. But when you feel like a monster that can’t look people in the eye because of your ugliness… I’m not sure if that’s vanity anymore.

Gah, I’m sorry to be such a pessimist. But this is just how I’m feeling and it just seems to get worse. Like going to the grocery store to pick up a few items causes me SO much anxiety that I literally panic about it for hours. If I make it to the store, I rush through and back out as fast as possible.

I wish I didn’t have to be this way, but I don’t think things will change.

Live Your Life

Hi friends!

In my last post, I mentioned my struggles with trying out a new medication for my anxiety. I just stopped taking it a day ago, and although I have been feeling really awful the last few days, today I actually feel much better. I’m hoping that all of those nasty side effects really were just side effects of the drug and that I’ll be feeling a bit better now. I know that this type of drug makes you feel more anxious in the beginning, but right now, I can’t handle the added anxiety. Maybe I’ll try something again in the near future.

So I watched “Life of Pi” today. I saw it in the theater and read the book a while ago. I love love the book and I think the movie is pretty wonderful. The imagery is just breathtaking. I know it’s just a story, but watching this kind of movie can’t help but make me feel like life is too short to worry as much as I do and focus on such trivial things. Everything will work out in the end. I just need to live my life for once. Pursue my dreams and go have an adventure. I can’t keep allowing myself to hold myself back.

Ah! Such a beautiful film!

Enjoy your day and live your life. ♥